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Posted on: Jul 15 2017, 12:00 AM
This is a wanted ad for Elijah Kowalsky's younger brother. I would recommend reading his app for whatever vague information there is about him in there.
To help with the muse, here's a oneshot that I thought of at 4am one morning.
Also let me know if you have any questions.
And I don't have a face for him yet.
I think that's the first thing I'd say to him if I saw him. So many years have gone by and even more complicated feelings have arisen since then but I think that's what I want him to know. I'm sorry.
The last time Elijah saw me, I died. Or at least, he thought I did. He wasn't the only one - I thought so too. It's a surreal experience, watching your body struggle for breath, for life. You'd know it was you but you weren't experiencing the pain because you aren't in your body. That was what happened to me. Dad and I had always known Elijah was special but we never thought I'd be too. We’re so different, him and I, but I really do love him and I know he loves me. After all, I saw how he destroyed himself as he watched dad die. My brother is a proud person. He'd never scream or beg for mercy the way that he did when they tortured us and made him watch.
It haunts me now to know how much pain I caused him. I'm so selfish - it's all that I do. We weren't perfect siblings but we were there for each other, most of the time. I wished so badly that I could be like Elijah. I'm scared of pain and if taking risks. He was the opposite. Pain was nothing to him and he was a daring person - that's why he could complete law school even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. We weren't always close, but one day he just started protecting me. With my obviously foreign accent and my initially poor grades, I was picked on. A lot. Eventually, Elijah was always just… there. That's the scary thing about him - he's always there for me, no matter what. He'd take beatings for me, completely still and silent no matter what they'd do to him. He'd glare at them as they mocked him but he'd never lift a finger against them. It's creepy and they eventually left me alone because of it. It's all because of him. Elijah never let me apologize to him. I think he feels guilty for having his mutation while I didn't have anything similar. I love him as a brother, but back then it was humiliating.
I did my best to handle my life in my own way. I studied and raised my grades to put some distance between myself and others. I did my best to create a divide so that nobody could hurt me and Elijah wouldn't have to mind me. It's lonely up at the top. Once you climb up, it's hard to climb back down. I wonder what life would have been like if Elijah had never adopted his strong need to protect others. Less stressful, for one.
When I thought I died, I saw myself separated from Elijah. I wanted to follow Elijah but I was unwillingly pulled in the direction of my physical body along with Dad’s. They were going to dump us in the sea to get rid of the bodies. I don't know how or why I managed to do it, given how incredibly traumatized I was back then but I returned to my body. I only know because it was incredibly difficult to breathe. I gasped for breath, struggled against bonds and wished I was back to floating nothingness. I didn't die. I was saved.
Elijah’s torture was my fault. He was supposed to have died that day when Chuck left him for dead. Instead, it was my selfish plea to the Order that saved him. They saved me first and probably would have made me like him if I hadn't begged to go to medical school. I begged like I would have begged for my life when Chuck strangled me. I got my wish, but I damned my brother in the process: he took my place as an agent.
I didn't know about it until after I had finished medical school. I didn't realize what kinds of horrors they had put him through until I had to deal with the broken bodies of new recruits. It was a nightmare. I couldn't believe what I had done and yet when I tried to reach out to figure out what had become of my brother, I found something that defied all logic again: Elijah had risen up above it all. I hate how he could do that.
I could never fill such shoes. I know the pain he feels because I visit him sometimes. When he's alone, he hurts. He's always alone, but he'll take off the mask when he takes off his suit. He feels guilty for our deaths and I wish I could tell him I'm not dead but I'm scared - I'm a coward and I know it. Elijah’s a fighter. I'm a runner.
I don't want to be far from him. I know he doesn't need my help as a doctor: he has wounds that I can't heal, even with all my knowledge. I'll never surpass him and I hate him for making me need him so much but at the same time, Elijah’s family. The only one I have left.
I just wish he knew I was there for him too.